GOOD MORNING WORLD
This morning I was to help at an early hour with transportation. I was sleepy last night at 10 so in anticipation of early rising went to bed. I hit the pillow and woke up. I tried every trick at my disposal to bring sleep upon my body. I did not succeed. When the alarm went off my eyes were still open. I found a ‘plan B’ thankfully and tried to get to sleep. Still no success as I now had a failure of action to add to my distress. I failed all around.
I have not had a sleepless night in a long time so that was adding to my upset. Knowing I had failed in my attempt to help led me to the thought that I was simply a failure. Thinking I had caused stress to the one receiving the help led me to further think I was a failure. I was not separating the action from the person. I failed therefore I was a failure. That was my thought process. It does not have to be the conclusion. It takes time to sort out emotion and feelings and thoughts.
I lived for years believing that one wrong action made me a bad person. If I was rude then I was a rude person. If I was mean then meanness was inbred in me. I was the action. It took years for me to separate the two. I finally realized I am a good person who can do not so smart things some days! Or I can, like last night, be in circumstances that are uncomfortable and have to make choices.
The negative thoughts of failure can be a heavy burden to carry. To think that you are a failure leaves you having the sense of carrying a heavy load as certainly as if you had a pack full of rocks being carried on your back. This feeling of failure can have a bitter smell to it like that of sniffing vinegar or tasting vinegar. Pungent and distasteful. It sounds chaotic like listening to a heavy metal band for hours. The din in your ears leaves little room for any good news to enter. Imagine a person living this life? I think they would look like a man in disheveled clothing with stooped shoulders and a stumbling gait.
The reality of understanding that you failed in a situation can lead you to that same feeling of distress as above. The good news here is that if you separate the action from the person you can soon see that it is simply an action. A mistake. An unfortunate occurrence. A moment that can be fixed or changed. The person may be stooped in confusion and begin to stand taller as clarity of understanding comes to the forefront.
I failed to help this morning and have since had the opportunity to apologize and now am trying to move on. Sometimes the hardest thing is forgiving ourselves our actions. Others are quicker to forgive us than we are!!! I failed. I am not a failure. I will probably a nap later. I am moving on today on a more journal than blog day.
…..ONWARD TO MORE MISADVENTURE…
ktsquared 