Yesterday I was up early in the morning well before 7AM.  I came down and went right to work at the computer.  I checked emails and facebook and the news and started writing my entry for my blog.  I knew what I was going to write about and it came out fairly easy.  I cleaned it up, ran spell and grammar check and posted it.  I then went to work on some presentations that I have to organize, add some writing to in spots and file them.  There were 7 of them and luckily they were almost complete.

I was still in my robe/lounge dress – the name changes depending on what I am doing.  My husband argues about this with me often.  He says they are robes.  Actually they are sold as lounge dresses that I wear as robes as they are not fluffy or hot.  Just cotton dresses with pockets in a larger size that work for me as a robe!  I decided to stay in lounge mode and continue working thinking that when I am done I would go shower and change at 11AM or so.  I had no appointments nor was anyone coming to see me.  The job of organizing the presentations would be behind me and I could look to the rest of the day with a clean slate.

The first presentation went well.  I had a lot of typing to input information into that one so it was the longest I believed.  I was coming up to 10AM-ish feeling quite confident about the job and the timeline I had set for myself.  Spent some time in assembling old and new and sorting files on the computer that corresponded with what I had in front of me as hard copies – paper.  I went to look for another presentation to complete.  I wanted this particular one as it too had more work than the others.  Do the hardest first is usually my mantra.  The clock said 11AM was gone! 

I spent the next hour in a panic as I could not find the papers I wanted.  There was another presentation of the same group that was missing as well.  I went from room to room.  I went into the trash.  I looked over papers once, twice and three times. Back to the trash, to the coffee table, to the file cabinet in case I had filed it with other papers. THEN I thought to call my husband and see if perhaps he had taken them to work.  It was now well after 12:30PM when I had the answer that yes he did.  In all this time I was frantic.  A lot of work goes into these and I did not want to have to do it all over again.

I am betting some of you have felt that feeling of frantic looking for something that you  are certain that you know where it is in your house.  I was feeling frantic and overwhelmed all at the same time.  This overwhelmed feeling was heavy on my chest.  My shoulders felt low as if I were a milkmaid carrying a long bar with two heavy cans of milk on it one on each end.  My breath was coming in short spurts and I was feeling like I was going to lose it.  My eyes were darting looking for just anything that might be the papers I needed.  I was  looking up.  I was at the desk looking.  I was at the counter thinking it was there.  I was very uncomfortable.  On top of that I still had not gotten dressed at all this day and our bed was unmade.  I judged myself as a failure.

Imagine going from good to frantic in such a short period of time!  Well I did!  Looking back on it the whole incident was ridiculous.  I could have recreated what I needed yet I HAD to find THOSE pieces of paper.  I had allowed myself to get worked up and frantic over nothing to anyone else I am sure.  To me, yesterday, it was a judgment on myself as a very unorganized person who cannot keep much straight.  We are of course all hardest on ourselves are we not?

Once I located the papers and realized what I had done to myself I let go of it all.  I said a few words I will not write here and relaxed.  I decided not to bother fretting about getting dressed any differently.  I did have on a lounge DRESS after all!  It is clothes!  I made my lunch and read the paper and attempted the crossword.  My brain was not ready for that though.  Further I let myself chill and sat in the ‘Grandmama Chair’ (named as it is perfect for me and a couple of kidders) and watched some TV.  What a day!

The good news is I did accomplish something.  I had finished one presentation and managed to get my lunch. After watching TV I picked up and cleaned some in the family room.   It was okay that I did not complete my list totally.  One major, any, accomplishment for yesterday was good enough!  I got in the shower at 4:30PM and we went to a movie and out to dinner using a gift card we have had for about 6 months!!!

The additional good news is that while watching TV I was blessed to catch the arrival of our four heroes from Libya.  What a beautiful ceremony.  We live in the best country!  It really put my silly panic and overwhelmed feelings into perspective. 

Today I am going to make home made baked beans for my husband for supper and look for a misplaced credit card.  It will be a better day I am just sure of it!


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